“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?