I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
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[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.