“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
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When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.