[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
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SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂