Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”