Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
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This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*