i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”