If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
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I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.