I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
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cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
lmao
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.