If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
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Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
#SaturdayBears
I wish I could veto my bills.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.