i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
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Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.