Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
You Might Also Like
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
courtroom exchange of the day
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?