TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
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“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great