[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
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My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
wtf is a larm clock?
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.