Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
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just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.