[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
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I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
My biological clock is wheezing.