We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
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A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Breaking news:
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?