“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
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(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Ah to hear the music of the angles!