On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
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[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is