You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.