I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
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When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.