Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
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Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I already tried new things thanks.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.