Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
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Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Here’s a meme
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’