Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
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So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
motivation
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.