I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
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I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?