6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.