I’m Sold!
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DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
This bar smells like my childhood.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
umm…
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.