One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
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If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
At least my masseuse has my back.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?