Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
be careful
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.