Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids