Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
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I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Always…
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”