I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
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My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool