One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
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My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
finally
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down