We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
THIS HEADLINE
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.