[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
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New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
My love language is deader than Latin
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
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