If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
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*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”