I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
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4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀