my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
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I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
This is the best one I’ve seen
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*