I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
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-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.