When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
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Snapes on a plane.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
(more comics:
we’re gonna need another temp
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.