You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
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Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through