*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.