Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
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I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.