i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
You Might Also Like
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Challenge accepted.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
so weird how every mom was born today
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one