[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
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ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.