Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
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Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
“our sushi is very fresh”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)