Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE