Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
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My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Husband of the year 😂
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.