If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
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What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised