Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
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Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
guilty
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.